Fear

The most paralyzing of emotions. It makes all the other emotions look like mush in its raw form. Fear usually is something we hide deep inside. Dreams are one of its most frequent outlets. Lately, I've had terrifying dreams. I'm walking through our upstairs. Little man is in his doorway. He's about two years younger and is standing there with a wild grin swinging his door back and forth. The bathroom next door has water in the tub. I go in and look in the water seeing dark hair floating. I pull out Lady Jane's Dora doll relieved. But then with fear holding my heart I notice a shape floating under an object. I frantically pull out Lady Jane's limp figure. I crumple to the floor and yell for help holding my baby to my chest. Then I wake up. At this point, the fear gets me out of bed and staggering down the hallway at 2 in the morning. I look in Lady Jane's bed and see that she's sound asleep. I cross the hall and note that Little man is also asleep.

Weeks later I have a similar dream with Lady Jane in the water except she's bound and when I pull her out she's still breathing. I have many fears but the worst are death, my own, my children's, my husband's, my family's. This fear tends to prey upon me in my weaker moments. Making me want to hold on tightly to those I love and not let them go into the world where bad things happen by the minute. I refuse to let fear paralyze me to that point. However, the fear will always be there especially when I'm asleep. Sweet dreams.